Folks, Roberto Luongo is struggling in net for the Vancouver Canucks. It’s clear to anyone that has watched any of this series. Tim Thomas is running his show. Even though I know Luongo’s been great in Vancouver during this series, he’s been fucking terrible in Boston. I think that his collapse at the Garden in Game Six is going to get into his head and prevent him from performing effectively in the deciding Game Seven. I also don’t think that Cory Schneider, from Marblehead, Massachusetts, is capable of defeating his hometown Bruins for the Stanley Cup. The kid went to Boston College – it’s part of the culture there – you can’t beat the Bruins like that if you ever want to go home for Christmas again.
Therefore, I would like to present some goaltending options to the Vancouver Canucks Management and Coaching staff for Game Seven on Wednesday night. I believe that each of the following candidates has something substantial to offer, and could provide the Canucks with the edge they need to capture their first ever Stanley Cup.
Here they are, in no particular order, along with the reason(s) for their predicted success:
1991-92 Upper Deck - Rollie Melanson
Rollie Melanson. Current Vancouver Canucks Goalie Coach. Makes complete sense to me. Practice what you preach, Coach.
1989-90 O-Pee-Chee - Darren Pang
Darren Pang. Is already at the Final as an analyst for NBC. Canucks save on travel costs, and he’s been paying attention to the Bruins’ systems.
1992-93 O-Pee-Chee - Jacques Cloutier
Jacques Cloutier. Was so good they couldn’t even find a photo of him in a game jersey – but they got one during practice. That’s quality.
1990-91 Pro Set - J.C. Bergeron
J.C. Bergeron. Once had an .899 Save Percentage in 3 games for Tampa Bay. Beat that, Bobby Lou.
1991-92 O-Pee-Chee - Daniel Berthiaume
Daniel Berthiaume. Had a cool mask in 1991. You know he’ll bring some fashion – so even if they lose, they do it with some style.
1990-91 Upper Deck - Troy Gamble
Troy Gamble. Experience with Canucks organization. Understands the city and fans. From this photo, it is obvious that he is sound technically and ready for the new NHL.
1990-91 Upper Deck - Rick Tabaracci
Rick Tabaracci. Will be required to get back into game shape for his eventual return to the NHL in Winnipeg. Might as well start now. Also, from the looks of things, clearly brings a physical presence to match Tim Thomas. I’ll bet the Canucks fans would love to see him knocking Brad Marchand over like he’s doing to that Blues player.
1991-92 Parkhurst - Glenn Healy
Glenn Healy. Would save Canadian viewers from having to listen to his ridiculous nonsense as a CBC broadcaster – has lost his touch. This is a good enough reason.
1991-92 Upper Deck - Jarmo Myllys
Jarmo Myllys. Because you can’t teach glove skills like this. You’re born with that kind of ability.
1991-92 Score Traded - Kay Whitmore
Kay Whitmore. Again, experience with Canucks organization. That’s about it, other than possibly helping to push a “Bring the Whale Back” campaign in Hartford.
1992-93 O-Pee-Chee - Dominik Hasek
Dominik Hasek. I’m not kidding, he’s still playing pro hockey. Played for Spartak Moscow in the KHL this season and posted a .915 save percentage. Earlier this year turned 46 years old. Considering a return to NHL. No joke.
1989-90 O-Pee-Chee - Mike Liut
Mike Liut. Kind of looks like Luongo. If he’s stayed in shape, could be an easy switch and the league and fans might not even notice.
1992-93 Score - Bob Essensa
Bob Essensa. Current Boston Bruins Goaltending Coach. Could provide insight into how to beat Tim Thomas. Contract would need to be substantial for this information. Is Canucks ownership really committed to winning?
1990-91 Score - Allan Bester
Allan Bester. Experience playing in a hockey-mad market. Once co-owned a sports card store in Ajax, Ontario.
1993-94 Topps Stadium Club - Kirk McLean
Kirk McLean. Again, not kidding. Was lights out in 1994 – and nobody has guaranteed a win this time! Messier was even interviewed on TV at the game tonight and made no promises. Kirk, your moment has arrived.
Who would you start? Vigneault says Luongo’s his guy, but I think I’ve made the decision a little tougher… think about it.