Manly, Magical Mustaches – Pat Borders

1989 Donruss – Pat Borders

So, we are now well into Movember, and a lot of people look creepy.  Pat Borders, the 1992 World Series MVP, is something of a mentor – a legend, if you will – for anyone with a creepy mustache.

A few things you might not know about Pat Borders, besides the fact he thought he looked really, really good in the photo for this baseball card:

-Played for six different teams with whom he played just one season with 150 or fewer at-bats.  Dude got around.
-Won a gold medal with Team USA at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney.
-Was still playing Major League baseball (well, he was playing in Seattle, so Major League is up for debate) in 2005 at the age of 42.

Movember, keeping ordinary people away from toy stores and elementary schools in November for over a decade.

PS. donate to Movember.

The Dodgers-Diamondbacks Brawl, circa 1988

So, we all know there was a bit of a donnybrook last week between the LA Dodgers and the Arizona Diamondbacks.  Suspensions were issued to five players, including ten games to Ian Kennedy and five to Eric Hinske.  In addition, they also suspended some coaches: Mark McGwire, the hitting coach for the Dodgers (I can picture the lessons: “Guys – the trick to hitting? Drugs. Lots of drugs.”) got two games, and managers Don Mattingly for LA and Kirk Gibson for Arizona got one game each.

This got me thinking – what if this brawl had taken place in, say, 1988?  Some pretty big name players from my youth were involved: Gibson, Mattingly, and McGwire, as well as Alan Trammell and Matt Williams, among others.  Yes, I know the Diamondbacks didn’t exist then, don’t ask me questions.  So, let’s go through the list and why this brawl would have been spectacular back then, with the visual aids from 1989 Donruss.

1989 Donruss – Kirk Gibson

–Kirk Gibson: was the National League MVP for the Dodgers in 1988 and hit a fairly big home run against Oakland in the World Series that same year, so could pretty much get away with anything.  Epic mustache gave him toughness and street cred.

1989 Donruss – Don Mattingly

–Don Mattingly: although he is essentially the only player ever to play for the Yankees not to win a World Series, he owned the city of New York at the time and could have called in some questionable “friends” into any altercation.

1989 Donruss – Mark McGwire

–Mark McGwire: the Steroid Era was in full effect at the time, without all the irritating criticism and judgement from fans that you run into now.  Rage factor of 10/10 would have been interesting to watch.

1989 Donruss – Matt Williams

 

–Matt Williams: still hadn’t learned how to use steroids properly (BA .205 in 1988, .202 in 1989) so could have had an even higher rage factor than McGwire.

1989 Donruss – Alan Trammell

–Alan Trammell: easily could have gotten away with biting, eye gouging or other tactics due to the predictable response: “Alan Trammell was in a fight? Come on, don’t lie to me. I’m not an idiot.”

Sure, these guys have the “grandpa factor” that made this brawl pretty interesting in 2013, but I’d pay money for a quick DeLorean trip back to 1988 to see the fight then.  Tell me you wouldn’t, too.

WTF – 1989 Donruss, Bill Doran

1989 Donruss - Bill Doran

Why is Bill Doran not reacting at all in this photo?  The ball might be about to hit him in the chin.  Look closely.  He’s not even reacting at all.  The ball is RIGHT THERE.

BILL!  Watch out!  Don’t get hit in the face with the baseball!

Names I Can’t Believe Aren’t Famous – Spike Owen

1989 Donruss - Spike Owen

Everywhere I looked (which included Wikipedia, Baseball Reference and the back of this baseball card), it looked like Spike Owen’s actual, real first name is Spike.  That is incredible.

Obviously, I wanted to know more.  Could this be real?  Could a professional baseball player’s given name be Spike?  I then found this.

Real name, Spike.  Real awesome, yes.

Hats off to you, Spike Owen’s Parents.

Fantastic Fashions – Tony Pena

1989 Donruss - Tony Pena

That is some turtleneck, Tony Pena, some turtleneck.  Also, some pretty nice wire-rimmed glasses.

Essentially, this photograph speaks for itself.

Well played, Pena.

Manly, Magical Mustaches – Eddie Murray

1989 Donruss - Eddie Murray

There’s a lot happening on this card:

-Helmet over ball cap over Afro
-Orange jersey and wrist bands
-Bright green and yellow borders screaming “1989!” at the top of their lungs
-Old school Baltimore Orioles logo
-AN UNBELIEVABLE SWITCH-HITTING HALL OF FAME MUSTACHE

A tip of the cap to you, Mr. Murray.  And your mustache.

WTF – Dave Schmidt, Diamond King?

1989 Donruss Diamond King - Dave Schmidt

I am sure Dave Schmidt is a fine person, and he had a decent career in the major leagues, kicking around five different teams between 1981 and 1992.  However, what in the world is he doing as a Diamond King with Donruss in 1989?

In 1988, Schmidt appeared in 41 games, starting nine, and finished with a record of 8-5.  Sure, that led a terrible 54-107 team in wins, but the Diamond King is supposed to be an echelon of awesomeness that only a select few (well, one per team every year for well over a decade) achieve.  I mean, they get Dick Perez to do a fucking painting of you when you’re a Diamond King.  That’s a big deal.

Obviously Cal Ripken and Eddie Murray did something to piss Donruss off that year.

Seriously, Donruss, WTF?