The All-Mustache Team: A Challenge to John Axford

20 Jul

So, I was watching This Week in Baseball the other day, and John Axford was there, visiting the MLB Fan Cave and sharing his “All-Mustache Team.”  Here is the team Axford selected:

C Mike Piazza
1B Don Mattingly
2B Bobby Grich
3B Wade Boggs
SS Brendan Ryan
OF John Titus
OF Dwayne Murphy
OF Kevin Bass
DH Jason Giambi
DH Steve Balboni
SP Randy Johnson
SP Jack Morris
RP Rollie Fingers
RP Goose Gossage
RP Dennis Eckersley

That’s a pretty good group.  Not a whole lot to disagree with here.  Overall, I take no issue with and respect Axford’s work.  He is clearly an appreciator of quality mustachery.

However, there is depth in the world of mustaches, so I present to you Sorting by Teams’ official challenge to John Axford.  I followed the same position breakdown as Axford, and of course, no repeats.  May the best ‘staches win.

The SBT All-Mustache Team:

1984 Topps - Bo Diaz (C)

Catcher: Bo Diaz.  He might not have had a mustache throughout his career, but the one he did have for a while was real, and it was spec-tac-ular.

1986 Topps - Bill Buckner (1B)

First Base: Bill Buckner.  Yeah, he missed a ground ball or two, but look at the intensity his mustache brings to the table.

1987 Fleer - Frank White (2B)

Second Base: Frank White… because it’s ok for a mustache to be subtle, understated and solid… just like White.

1983 Topps - Mike Schmidt (3B)

Third Base: Mike Schmidt.  THE Mike Schmidt.

1990 Topps - Robin Yount (SS)

Shortstop: Robin Yount.  Went to the World Series with the Brewers playing SS.  Lighter hair colour so mustache was often overlooked.

1985 Topps - Andre Dawson (OF)

Outfield: Andre Dawson.  Never gets enough credit for the mustache, people were always way too focused on his Hall of Fame numbers… or maybe on the soul patch.

1989 Fleer - Dwight Evans (OF)

Outfield: Dwight Evans.  Eight Gold Gloves, no big deal.

1989 Topps - Dave Winfield (OF)

Outfield: Dave Winfield – will be of most assistance to the team if seagulls are causing problems, or if you need a clutch double in the 11th inning in the World Series.  Also, he knows his mustache is incredible.

1986 Leaf - Cliff Johnson (DH)

Designated Hitter: Cliff Johnson.  One of the pure DH’s of the early 1980’s.  Fielding?  Why would you need to do that?

1987 Fleer - Gorman Thomas (DH)

Designated Hitter: Gorman Thomas.  Look at the power in that Fu Manchu.  Wow.

1989 Topps - Kirk Gibson All-Star (PH)

Pinch Hitter: On this 1989 Topps All-Star card, Gibson is listed as a “Pinch Hitter,” which he certainly was in the 1988 World Series.  Without the mustache, would that home run have happened?  I think not.

1993 Topps - Dave Stieb (SP)

Starting Pitcher: Dave Stieb.  If you can deal with all the one-hitters, he’s pretty good.

1990 Donruss - Doug Drabek (SP)

Starting Pitcher: Doug Drabek.  Cy Young Award 1990, Cy Young Mustache always.

1988 Fleer - Doug Jones (RP)

Relief Pitcher: Doug Jones.  Seriously underrated mustache.  Must have been the era he played in – so much competition.

1989 Donruss - Dennis Lamp (RP)

Relief Pitcher: Dennis Lamp.  Tell me that mustache isn’t awesome.  Thick, dark, intimidating.  11-0 record as a reliever in 1985.

1987 Topps - Dan Quisenberry (RP)

Relief Pitcher: Dan Quisenberry… every team needs a submariner.

In closing, I’d say we’ve got a close battle here.  I will give Axford’s squad the edge in the Relief Pitching area, but Fingers, Gossage and Eckersley are kind of no-brainers – their mustaches were in a league of their own.  I’d say my outfield will be the backbone of my team.

At any rate, I think we’d have a great series on our hands.

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4 Responses to “The All-Mustache Team: A Challenge to John Axford”

  1. ted August 12, 2011 at 6:03 PM #

    This.
    Is.
    Awesome.
    I would totally want a copy of that game on VHS so I can watch it over and over.

    • Sorting by Teams August 12, 2011 at 6:55 PM #

      Never fear. This game will be available on both VHS and Betamax.

  2. Brett August 13, 2011 at 5:18 AM #

    While I like both lists, neither one fully hit the mark for me.

    No ‘All-Mustache Team’ is complete in my eyes without the “Mad Hungarian” himself – Al Hrabosky.

    Rollie Fingers and Gorman Thomas are my favorite picks.

    Great stuff.

    • Sorting by Teams August 14, 2011 at 1:15 PM #

      Great call on Hrabosky. Kind of embarrassed he hasn’t been featured yet.

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